My hand turned me down
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You ate ashes out of my bong
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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