Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
