Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
