he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
