She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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