On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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