YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
