I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
