I love watching others lives come down to our level.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The beer is more important than you right now.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
