Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
this hospital has no fireball
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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