I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
