If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize