i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Randomize
