I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
