I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
