I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
