my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
