oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
