There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
