I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
