My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
