I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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