god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
