boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
