I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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