They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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