Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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