Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
