The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
