I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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