Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize