her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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