Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
