just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
