where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
