i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
