On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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