she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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