dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
