saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i will never coherently bang her
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
