You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
