She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
