Your mouth is God's brothel.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
