Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Couch. On fire.
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