just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
