She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
