I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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