I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize