I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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