If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
