I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
