I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i just had sex bonerless
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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