god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize