the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
im on a boat
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