Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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