So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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