I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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