why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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