I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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